Pernahkah dirimu dicampakkan? Bagaimana rasanya? Mungkin inilah hal yang tepat untuk menggambarkan diri kita bahwa rasa sakit itu, meskipun sulit haruslah tetap kita genggam sendiri.
Untukmu yang mungkin pernah atau malah saat ini tengah merasakan sakit karena dicampakkan oleh orang yang engkau sayangi. Bersabarlah, dan ketahui bahwa dirimu bukan satu-satunya orang yang pernah berkorban kemudian dibalas dengan lemparan luka. Seperti pada kisah berikut ini, dimana ada seseorang yang ingin menjadikan kita semua lebih mengerti, bahwa cinta, sakit, luka dan kesadaran mempunyai korelasi tertentu.
Karena seperti inilah rasanya dicampakkan.
Kau berdiri di pojokan jalan, diabaikan seperti kulit pisang yang dibuang sembarang. Orang-orang berlalu–lalang di sekitarmu tanpa menyadari kau betul-betul ada. Tanpa tahu kau sungguh-sungguh nyata. Tak ada yang benar-benar peduli pada apapun penderitaannmu. Atau tumpahan airmatamu. Kau sudah berupaya memantaskan diri. Mendinginkan kepalamu. Melapangkan hatimu. Menarik ujung-ujung bibirmu. Tapi tak ada satu pun yang terjadi padamu. Kecuali, kau kebasahan di dalam hujan.
Dulu aku pikir aku takkan pernah dicampakkan.
Ya. Dulu.
Tetapi segala sesuatu selalu berbeda dari waktu ke waktu. Dan kali ini, hal yang tak pernah kubayangkan akan terjadi, akhirnya terjadi.
Aku menatap langit. Ini hujan atau air mata? Bukankah tadi langitnya biru? Aku ingin tahu mengapa kini begitu gulita.
Hujan itu terus menetes kian lama kian deras tanpa memperdulikan pertanyaanku. Baiklah, sekarang hujan pun ikut mencampakkanku. Aku tidak bisa berbuat apa-apa kecuali meringkuk menatap tanah menyesali semua yang terjadi.
Lama kelamaan, hujan yang kubenci ini seperti berteman denganku. Ia menyirami segala kesedihanku, menemani dengan kesejukannya yang menembus tulang.
Setelah merasa cukup kedinginan, aku beringsut berjalan menuju rumah. Aku menyusuri trotar dengan genangan kecil sembari merunduk bersama kesedihan dan lara.
Seorang sopir taksi, memelankan laju mobilnya tepat di sebelahku. Aku memandangnya sekilas, ia menawarkan untuk naik ke mobil.
Aku berpikir sejenak, aku sedang tidak mau naik taksi. Aku memberikan isyarat menolak ke arah sopir tersebut. Dan taksi itu melaju lagi meninggalkanku setelah sang sopir berusaha keras mengingatkanku bahwa hujan sedang deras-derasnya.
Aku ingin berjalan sampai rumah. Seorang wanita cantik yang memakai gaun indah berwarna marun lebih senang berjalan berhujanan menenteng hak tingginya dari pada naik sebuah taksi.
Aku sudah tidak peduli dengan semua yang memandangku dan menerka-nerka bahwa aku adalah seorang perempuan gila, frustasi atau stress. Ada juga yang menatapku penuh nafsu karena ia beranggapan bisa memanfaatkan kesempatan disaat keterpurukan seorang wanita.
Siapapun pria yang berani mendekatiku saat ini, akan langsung kutendang pada bagian kemaluannya dan meneriakinya maling, hingga ia jadi bulan-bulanan massa. Mata-mata jahil itu selalu memandangiku di sepangjang perjalanan, di setiap toko-toko, warung-warung atau tempat-tempat usaha lainnya di sepanjang perjalanan dekat trotoar.
Aku hanya melirik mereka sekilas, tetapi tidak ada yang berani mendekat hanya sebatas memandang dengan penuh sangka dan kira.
Aku juga merasa aman karena hujan yang lebat ini. Tidak ada yang rela berbasah-basahan hanya demi merayu seorang wanita yang lebih terlihat sedang depresi. Hujan ini memang benar-benar menjadi sahabatku sekarang.
Air mataku kembali menetes mengingat kejadian yang beberapa jam ini menimpaku. Derasnya air hujan yang menyapu segala anggota badan menyamarkan kesedihanku yang mendalam ini. Terima kasih hujan.
Aku mengingat-ingat ketika aku keluar dari rumah dengan menggunakan gaun marun yang ceria. Selain karena hari ini adalah hari minggu yang ceria, aku selalu mempercantik diri dan memoles setiap tubuhku sampai menelaah pakaian-pakaian yang aku kenakan ketika bertemu dengannya di setiap akhir pekan.
Ya. Hanya akhir pekan. Karena itulah aku selalu tampil spesial untuknya. Ia hanya mempunyai waktu senggang di akhir pekan, ia sibuk dengan perusahaan yang dipimpinnya.
Entah mengapa aku sangat mencintainya, rasa ini menusuk-nusukku bahkan beberapa jam setelah ia mengucapkan kalimat yang menyatakan, Ia sudah dijodohkan oleh orang tuanya dan dengan berat hati atau mau tidak mau, saya dan dia harus mengakhiri hubungan ini.
Aku sampai di rumah dengan mata sembab.
“Kenapa bisa sampai basah kuyup begini?” tanya ibu khawatir. Ia sempat memandang mataku yang terlihat mencurigakan.
“Iya, Bu. Aku kehujanan tadi.—Ya sudah, aku mau ganti baju dulu, Bu.” Aku segera menghindar dari tatapan ibu yang menyelidik.
Sepanjang hari itu, aku lebih senang mengurung diri di kamar, menyenandungkan segala sedih dan sakit ini melaui ratapan menyayat hati. Memberi sedikit tarian tinju pada pembaringan penuh kekesalan dan penyesalan.
Beberapa hari bahkan bulan, rasa sakit ini, tidak jua hilang dari dada dan pikiranku, sedangkan orang yang aku cintai telah menghilang dengan kehidupannya yang baru.
Tahun telah berlalu namun rasa cinta ini kepadanya tidak pudar jua. Tuhan telah memberiku arti mendalam tentang cinta. Tentang cinta yang sulit untuk kuhapus dari angan-angan dan pikiran ini. Sekarang, aku harus menanggungnya dengan memendam nyala cinta itu dalam hati sebagai sebuah keikhlasan.
Dalam doaku, aku selalu merintih, “Ya Tuhan, aku serahkan apa yang telah Kau tanamkan ke dalam diri ini kepadaMu. Hanya Engkau pemilik segala cinta. Maka kuserahkan semuanya dengan hati yang ikhlas.
Segala impian dan cita-cita besar yang tak bisa kugapai aku kembalikan kepadaMu.
Seperti keikhlasanku menyerahkan diriku yang sekarang ini hanya kepadaMu.
Pada akhirnya semua akan kembali kepadaMu.”
Seiring dengan berjalannya waktu dan pertemuan dengan teman-taman dan para sahabat baru membuat hawa kehidupan menjadi lebih segar. Aku melupakan tentangnya walaupun terkadang teringat sesekali. Wajar saja, setahun menjalin hubungan dengannya bukanlah waktu yang singkat menurut diriku yang tak pernah benar-benar mencintai orang lain secara serius. Dan ketika aku menemukannya, barulah saat itu aku menaruh hatiku di hatinya, yang entah ia bawa kemana sekarang.
Ketika perkuliahan telah libur semester, ponselku berdering pagi itu…
“Yana kamu dimana? Ini Bella.”
Dari suaranya aku langsung mengetahui dia adalah Bella sahabatku waktu SMA.
“Kamu gak ke sini? Ayo dong! Kami udah menunggumu di rumah Abdi.”
Aku tahu mereka sedang mengadakan acara reuni di rumah Abdi. Reuni kecil, hanya kami saja, para sahabat yang sangat akrab dulu sewaktu SMA. Mungkin sepuluh orang saja. Enam lelaki dan empat perempuan. Kami sangat-sangat akrab dulu semasa SMA.
Entah kenapa karena pertemuan yang intens, aku dan Abdi menjalin suatu hubungan. Aku cinta dengannya saat itu, tapi entah kenapa cinta itu sangat cepat sekali redup.
Abdi… dia adalah orang yang sangat sabar dalam menangani sikapku yang cepat marah dan ngambekan. Ia laki-laki yang teramat baik untukku, sangat sungkan sekali waktu itu ketika aku mengatakan kata pisah dengannya.
Tetapi, ia selalu menanggapi dengan baik apa keinginanku. Ia juga berpikir akan lebih baik jika kita bersahabat. Dengan bersahabat, tidak akan ada pertengkaran lagi di antara kami. Aku berpisah dengannya dan menjadi sahabat seperti sedia adanya.
Bella dan anak perempuan yang lain tetap memaksaku untuk datang, ia bahkan menyuruh Abdi berbicara langsung dan membujukku agar datang ke sini. Desakan mereka terlalu bertubi-tubi untuk orang-orang yang aku cintai. Aku tidak akan bisa menolak permintaan mereka, para sahabatku yang kucintai.
Aku datang ke rumah Abdi dan mereka langsung menyambut dengan ceria, terlebih para wanita yang langsung membuat seisi rumah gaduh.
Kami melakukan berbagai kegiatan di sana, berbincang tentang masa akhir perkuliahan, memasak bersama dan makan bersama.
Waktu itu, aku sedang menunggu para wanita yang baru saja shalat. Karena aku sudah mendahului mereka tadi. Ketika masuk waktu asar, aku langsung teringat untuk menyerahkan diriku kepada Sang Penguasa. Hanya Allahlah yang mampu mengobati luka seseorang.
Tidak jauh dari tempat shalat, aku melihat tumpukan buku. Berbagai macam buku yang sudah tak digunakan lagi. Agak berdebu. Setelah aku buka-buka… Itu adalah buku SMA Abdi dahulu. Kelihatannya ia tidak ingin membuang pelajaran SMA-nya.
Ketika aku beralih ke satu buku ke buku lainnya. Aku menemukan bacaan yang mengagetkanku. Itu adalah tulisan tangan Abdi.
“ Karena Cintamu Berbeda
Ketika semua orang membicarakan tentangmu,
aku hanya tersenyum sambil berkata, ‘itu dulu, dia milikku sekarang’.
Dear bulanku,
Mungkin ini adalah hal konyol yang pernah aku lakukan dalam hidupku namun aku tidak pernah menyesalinya.
Aku yakin hati tidak mungkin salah.
Kamu adalah orang yang mampu membuatku tersenyum di kala aku terluka.
Kamu dengan caramu melakukan itu.
Aku bukanlah tipe lelaki yang romantis namun,
aku adalah lelaki yang mampu menyampaikan segala perasaanku dengan sikap dan perhatian.
Sudah banyak hal yang kita lewati bersama.
Sudah banyak hal yang aku lewati untuk tetap ada di sampingmu.
Saat aku menyadari,
aku sangat mencintaimu dan ingin ada di sampingmu selamanya sampai Tuhan yang memisahkan kita.
Bulanku,
terima kasih untuk segala hal yang pernah terjadi dalam hidupku
Terima kasih untuk apa yang kamu lakukan untukku
Terimakasih untuk semua waktu yang telah kita lewati bersama
Bulanku,
Maaf karena telah mencintaimu berlebihan
Maaf karena aku selalu mengacaukan waktu bermainmu
Maaf karena aku selalu mengirim pesan tentang hal-hal konyol
Ingatkah saat kamu bilang setiap detik yang kita lewati begitu berharga?
Itu sangat membuatku menjadi lelaki paling kamu hargai dan inginkan.
Dan saat kamu bilang kamu mencintaiku karena kasihan, aku merasa aneh.
Namun aku mengerti, ini mungkin caramu.
Bulanku, yang perlu kau tahu adalah aku tidak pernah menyesal telah ada di sampingmu dan tak pernah terpikir olehku untuk pergi darimu.
Karena kamu adalah cahaya yang menyejukkan dalam hidupku.
Dari Lelakimu. ”
Aku benar-benar, tidak tahu tentang perasaan Abdi yang sebenarnya kepadaku. Aku termenung, tanpa aku sadar, aku telah menyakiti orang yang benar-benar mencintaiku.
Dulu, dan Tuhan menunjukkan semua itu sekarang.
Mungkin aku adalah wanita yang masih ada di benaknya sampai sekarang.
Dan dibenakku, ada orang yang sangat aku cintai tetap melekat dan tak mau pergi dalam jangka waktu yang tidak kuketahui entah sampai kapan untuk bisa menghilangkannya.
Aku mengalami apa yang telah menimpa Abdi.
Dulu Abdi merasakan hal itu karena keisenganku dan sekarang Tuhan membalas sakitnya cinta tulus dan membara dengan menimpakan kejadian serupa kepadaku.
Cinta, sakit, luka dan kesadaran mempunyai korelasi tertentu.
(Dari seorang penulis laki-laki yang mungkin hendak memberikan sebuah gambaran bahwa ketegaran akan selalu bisa mengalahkan semua luka. Ya, dia mungkin hanya satu diantara banyak orang yang terluka, namun masih penuh dengan kekuatan untuk menyembuhkan hatinya.)
**
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